Everything Short of Perfection
They're sending me to Martha Stewart's prison.
I desire perfection and this makes me feel imperfect because there is no such thing as perfection in this world so its pursuit is folly. Another of my Moby Dicks. Yet every birthday or New Year’s Day I make a list of ways to better myself, hoping to check Grow more self-aware off my to-do list someday.
My therapist says it’s an extension of my control issues: A way to feel on top of what is essentially unknowable. “Perfection” is a way to feel in control. If I am perfectly good, bad things cannot happen to me. I’m doing everything right so nothing’s my fault. But bad things do happen to me, and it pushes me further into this cyclical perfection self-punishment.
I went to visit a friend recently, and my desire to be everything he needed and nothing he didn’t felt so tangible I carried the extra weight on the plane with me. There were a lot of factors working against us, but I remember at times feeling so nervous to say something wrong that I didn’t speak at all. I wish I had told him everything, all at once. I felt myself falling behind my idealized self and it made me morose; I felt worthless.
I felt at ease, however, watching the Martha Stewart documentary on Netflix. Here’s a woman who bought and sold perfection so spectacularly that she ended up failing in a publicly humiliating way. My Icarus. Her hubris was to perfect buying and selling stocks and I find this humorous. She was beautiful, relatively good with money, great with people and this destroyed her. She micromanaged her husband like her dinner parties and he cheated on her, though I don’t blame her for his infidelity, of course. Now, she’s back smoking weed with Snoop Dogg.
I loved watching her meticulously curate her garden. “I don’t like red flowers,” she says at one point, “if I see one, I pluck it.”
Her aesthetic choices are exacting, though the most fascinating part of the documentary is about her time in prison. She finds a second wind teaching the other prisoners how to craft and care for themselves. In doing so, she becomes a sort of prison reformer. Prisoners are people; not only that, but they’re women who want to cook and crochet. These feminine hobbies are rehabilitating in their own right. Stewart is the furthest she can be from having the perfect life, yet she still finds a way to elevate everyone’s experience.
I’m so independent I’ve become annoying, but I also love cooking and keeping a house. I desire a perfect life and I want to build it myself.
At dinner with friends recently, a friend of a friend asked if I cook and my friend Meg excitedly told her that I cook elaborate meals for myself. They’re hardly elaborate, but I love to play with flavor. I used to have trouble cooking for myself, and I still do occasionally. I think, What’s the point? but I try to push past it. Food’s nourishment is not just for others but for me. The friend invited me to come over sometime and cook a meal for her and her friends, encouraging me to narrate to all of them what I was doing during the cooking process and why. I thought this was rather funny and I agreed.
I’ve longed to have dinner parties but my studio is too small for it to be ethical. I long to feel the love of a crowd: to plate everything beautifully while people chat and laugh and enjoy the fruit of my labor, feeling full and happy. I want people to feel pleased with me—to appreciate what I’ve done and why. Not only am I feeding people, I’m giving them my time in exchange for their adoration. Give me back what I have lost. Give me back myself.
***
In the spirit of Martha Stewart and the holiday season, I wanted to make a little gift guide of things I’ve loved this year. Maybe it’s a little silly, but it’s fun to reflect on the objects that have brought me joy or made my life better in small ways.
Mini Mandoline: I bought mine fairly cheap at the local Korean market, but you can find them on Amazon. It completely changed the way I engage with vegetables and makes every meal feel a little fancier.
Richard Scarry Tattoos from Tattly: I have been thinking about these every day since I saw them on Instagram. I want to put a Richard Scarry illustration on my body (but not permanently).
Glossier Reve Perfume: I’m really bad at buying perfume because I think it’s a waste of money and I don’t want to smell sweet but I love this musky scent and it’s pretty affordable. It’s sexy and powdery and makes a great gift.
Smiski: These little guys are so cute and they make a sweet gift. I love the blind box because a little mystery is fun and special.
Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain: People always ask me for nonfiction recommendations and I literally read the weirdest shit so it always makes me uncomfortable, but I find myself recommending this book to the average reader because Bourdain is so iconic and has a great writing style.
Criterion of Paper Moon: This is literally what I want for Christmas this year. Criterions make beautiful gifts and I haven’t met a person who hasn’t been charmed by Paper Moon.
Jeni’s Ice Cream: Sending people ice cream is a fun gift—I often send pints to my family members when I don’t know what to buy them. Jeni’s has very elevated flavors so it doesn’t feel cheap (and it really isn’t…) and the ice cream never disappoints.
Foot Mask: Again, I get my foot masks from the Korean market but you can find them at Target. Face masks are hit or miss for me, but a foot mask always feels so luxurious.
Youth to the People Superfood Body Lotion: I love the smell of this lotion. It’s peppery and earthy and all the ingredients are good for your body. A great genderless lotion.
Kitchenaid Immersion Blender: I use my immersion blender all the time and I think it’s a great, affordable gift for people who cook. I use it to make soups and sauces and it comes with a little cup that works like a blender, too.
Peanuts X Onyx Coffee: I’ve developed a sort of obsession with Snoopy and when I saw this coffee at my favorite little stationary store, Omoi Zakka, I knew I wanted it badly. It’s whole bean so you’ll need a grinder, but I think it’ll be worth it.
Everlane Waffle Henley: I find henley’s really sexy. This one looks really comfy, too, I just bought it on Black Friday. I like that you can wear it casually or dress it up.